It’s happened to you. If it hasn’t, it will. Not every sexual encounter of a man’s life is a straight and quick trip to orgasmtown.
Most of them will be, for most of your life, but sometimes things don’t work out that way.
But you shouldn’t panic if this happens to you. You shouldn’t even panic if it’s been happening more often recently.
What you should do is take a look at the 5 most common reasons for softness during sex, and then start applying solutions.
One of ‘em is bound to work.
Why Men Go Soft During Sex #1 – It’s All in Your Head
They say humans like sex and fighting because they’re two “real” spaces where you do well, or not, and everybody can tell right away.
This can put some performance pressure on you that you’re not always ready for.
Worse, if you start doubting yourself it’s easy to psych yourself out and turn your worries about having a soft erection into a reality of having a soft erection.
This self-reinforcing cycle can even spiral up into a consistent state of mental erectile dysfunction even without a physiological cause.
The best fix: take some time.
Get your mind off your worries, and they’ll get out of your way. By far my favorite way to do this is to get really into the foreplay.
Give her a backrub. Make out. Go down.
Focus on making her happy, and while you’re not looking your erection has a good chance of taking care of itself.
Why Men Go Soft During Sex #2 – You Had Too Much to Drink
When you drink alcohol, it changes your blood pressure and other aspects of your circulatory function.
Since your erections depend on blood flow to happen, changes to blood flow can mess up your erectile function (source).
And if you drink too much for too long, it’s even worse.
Studies in Europe and the US have found a direct correlation between long-term erectile dysfunction and drinking more than six units per week of alcohol.
Beyond those issues, being drunk makes it hard to be a good sexual partner. Your attention wavers.
Your manual dexterity suffers. Getting too athletic might make you throw up. It’s a bad look, no matter how you look at it.
The best fix: keep it light.
I’m not saying you should never drink if you want to have good erections and good sex.
But try to stay sober enough to drive on any given evening, and save drinking for special occasions instead of being a daily go-to.
Why Men Go Soft During Sex #3 – You’re Getting Bored
You need stimulation and newness from time to time if you want to stay aroused in bed.
That’s one of the reasons porn is so ubiquitous and popular, and why some people seem compelled to cheat on their partners.
If you’re suffering a little in the “thunder down under” department, it might be because the sex is the same too often, for too many weeks in a row.
Do not tell your partner you’ve gotten bored, but do…
The best fix: get a little kinkier.
Ask your partner for a fantasy she has always wanted to try, then make it happen.
Look up new positions, or buy a toy she’s been curious about. Check into a hotel so you can both be noisy without waking up the kids.
Just think of something new, and then go do it.
Why Men Go Soft During Sex #4 – She’s Too Wet
Yes, that’s something to be proud of. Yes, maybe you can brag about it a little with the right friends at the right time.
No, that doesn’t mean it’s not sometimes a problem.
Your penis relies on friction to stimulate it into erection and keep it there long enough to get the job done.
If she’s too wet (often caused by various hormonal imbalances), that friction goes away. Lost erections and/or failure to climax are often the result.
The best solution is to have an honest, productive talk about her fixing her hormone levels (2). That’s not always wise, however.
So until you can have that conversation.
The best fix: tighter positions.
Combining an overly wet vagina with a sex position that opens the pelvis wide can leave you with nothing to rub against.
But often aiming for closed and tighter sex positions fixes the problem right away. Some of my favorites include:
- Doggie style with the legs closed
- Cowgirl and reverse cowgirl (they don’t close her, but do put good friction on your pelvis)
- “Cobra” style
- Her on her back and you on your side, with one leg lifted
Really, any position with her legs closed will do the job,too.
Why Men Go Soft During Sex #5 – You Broke Your Brain
You need to produce dopamine in sufficient amounts, and have a brain that processes dopamine in a healthy manner, to get aroused enough to develop an erection (3).
If you’ve damaged your dopamine production or reception, your penis will be among the first to feel the results.
That’s because dopamine is responsible for your nervous system’s ability to feel pleasure, sexual arousal, and sexual stimulation. If that system is hurt, your erections suffer.
A lot of things can damage your dopamine production.
In fact, this is the core mechanic behind the “boredom” I mentioned earlier. Some of the main culprits include:
- Screen addiction
- Drug abuse
- Smoking
- Excessive masturbation
- Using hard-core pornography (whether or not you climax)
All of these can short-circuit your dopamine system, causing lost erectile function.
The best fix: knock it off.
Not your penis. Keep it where it belongs.
But whatever it is you’re doing to damage your dopamine reception, stop it.
Fap less. Turn off Pornhub. Put down the cocaine. Close your laptop and go outside.
In most cases, damage of this kind is reversible as soon as you stop the activity that caused it in the first place.
Why Men Go Soft During Sex – Conclusion:
Erectile dysfunction can also happen because of serious illnesses and mental conditions, or from the medications frequently prescribed for them.
The solutions for such problems are more complex, but there usually are ways to improve your situation.
For the rest of us, give some thought to the last time you didn’t “rise to the occasion.” Which of the above most likely caused it?
Try out the suggested solution and see how it goes.
Just remember: relax! And don’t just get tense about how you’re not relaxed.
Most of the time, confidence is not only the most important part of getting regular, powerful erections…it’s what women report time and again is the most arousing part of a man’s personality.
References
Why Boozing Can Be Bad for Your Sex Life
https://www.everydayhealth.com/erectile-dysfunction/why-boozing-can-be-bad-for-your-sex-life.aspx
Vaginal Lubrication
https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/medicine-and-dentistry/vaginal-lubrication
Dopamine and male sexual function.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11805404